Destructive Relationships: When 2 Leave?

You should leave that *?@#! (Staying “politically correct”)

Three subjects you should never discuss with random people such as co-workers are religion, politics, and money. Well, you can add “leaving your significant other” to the TOP 3 un-discussable’s because this subject can cause all types of strife! Every women or man has had that friend you’ve felt sorry for or have called stupid because they chose to stay in a relationship YOU deem negative. We as the friend have struggled with telling that person how we really feel because we know it could lead to the demise of our friendship. We KNOW that telling someone else to leave who they love can have backfiring consequences, so we USUALLY stay “mum” about it unless we feel; 1. It’s a state of emergency OR 2. We have a huge set of balls! Yes, true friends should be able to tell you the truth and vice versa, but this subject turns us into a bunch of liars. We will be that listening ear to our troubled friend, shoulder to cry on, and even give basic advice about their relationship...BUT you will RARELY hear us telling them leave their partner! Even talking about this subject randomly in a group when it isn’t pertaining to anyone causes drama. One should never broach these four subjects unless you’re ready for a debate. This topic ALWAYS has differences of opinion and causes arguments because; As the saying goes,“what’s good for the goose, isn’t necessarily good for the gander.” Therefore, what you deem unacceptable in a relationship might be perfectly fine for the next...question is what are the UNIVERSAL relationship deal breakers? 

I’ve decided to get personal with this article by incorporating two different relationships I know of. Depending on who you are, you’ll feel this person’s scenario is either capable of staying OR leaving their relationship, you decide. However, 1 of the 2 will be the “universal relationship deal breaker” and you tell me why that is. (*Due to confidentiality names have been changed; My team is my inspiration)

• Faith

  Since I was sixteen years old, being in love has been my drug. I’m in my “low 30’s” and have only been in three relationships in a span of seventeen years...Yes I said only 3! Hey what can I say, dating multiple guys, partying, and playing the scene have never been my thing. I guess that aspect of my life makes me a serial relationship whore, because I am addicted to it. Either way my story is about one of my most profound relationships which lasted 13 long and tumultuous years...Hopefully you don’t judge too harshly, but either way I always say, if you don’t pay my bills, what you think doesn’t matter!

I was only 17 when I met Mike and was still in a relationship with boyfriend #2. Therefore, I thought he was only going to be “something fun to do.” I really loved BF# 2 but he had broken my heart a year prior when he bounced on me after I became pregnant. He eventually came back around and I forgave him, but things were never fully the same. Therefore, I had zero remorse creeping behind his back with pretty boy Mike as I like to call him. Anyway, Mike was also 17 and already had a son with his girlfriend a.k.a. his “baby momma!” Therefore, I just knew I wasn’t going to fall for this dude because we both had “a situation” and his was a headache I wasn’t willing to flex on. Unfortunately, us females and our emotions RULE OUR HEART because I was unable to separate lust and love...I don’t know if it was his confidence, humor, or how well he “laid down the pipe” but like Alicia Keys I had fallen. BF# 2 was a has-been by this point and all I wanted, was to be with Mike! His feelings became mutual, and we became a couple after he cut off Ms. Baby-momma...or so I thought. Two years into our relationship I found out she was carrying his second child and I was totally devastated. I went from a size 8 to a size 2 from the stress because I refuse to let him go. That BITCH also refused to let him go even though he made it clear he wanted to be with me. Therefore, you know what that means...THE DRAMA began! Let’s just say me and her were clear about our feelings for each other and she made it clear I was to never have contact with her children. This idea was funny to me because the chic wasn’t a real mother and never took care of her first kid. Furthermore, I didn’t want to be around the new baby anyway because it was a constant reminder of what they created together. The Menage`a trois bickering and fighting between all of us proved to be too much at times...but I still refused to let go. The trust issues I had with him were just the cherry on the sundae and caused even more tension; But still I held on. Through all the trials and tribulations I forgave him. I knew he really loved me and despite the infidelity he treated me well. In “OUR” relationship he treated me with respect when he spoke, was always there for me when I needed him, romantic, and spoiled me with attention and the material things I’m accustomed to having. Not to mention the loving was on point! If it wasn’t for what he did with that heifer he would be damn near perfect. So I weighed the type of man he was when he was with me, listened to the apologies he showered me with, and accepted the promises he made. He told me it was over with her and I’m who he wanted. He told me SHE was the mistake, and that this would never happen again...True or not, that’s when I learned not only how blind love can be, but how powerful love is...I chose to stay with him.      

• Robyn

I’ve always been about “my business” and never really had much time for dating. Succeeding in school and finding a career with a great retirement plan was my focus. The few times I have dated and I mean few, (I can count on one hand) those dudes fizzled by the waste side. Me not dating a lot also has something to do with the fact that I seem to have a stamp written on my forehead which reads “I ACCPET ALL JERKS!” I’ve never had the pleasure of dating someone who’s all mine. I’ve never dated someone who’s made me a priority or who has treated me exceptionally well. My parents are still happily married so NO I don’t have “daddy issues,” I just seem to attract losers. I realize what my parents have is the kind of girl I am, but I’ve never in my 30 + years experienced or came close to having what they have...until I met Damon.

From the moment I met Damon he spoiled me. He was almost 20 years my senior (but literally looked 30) and treated me as a grown-ass man should I believed. We went out a lot and became inseparable from the start. He had some baggage; two children and two baby-mommas, but he made it be known that I was the woman he wanted to be with. Therefore, I looked past all of that and accepted him into my life. Furthermore, I was always around his son and his family so I felt secure enough to know that his past was just that...A chapter he closed. I spent countless hours at his mom’s house and Everything was gravy for the first three months...and then his mask slowly came off. He had a good job that he quit, began drinking heavily, pulling disappearing acts, and ALWAYS had a strange story a.k.a. lies to tell for his alibi. Through all the strange behavior and even after he totaled my car due to his drinking; I stayed because I thought he loved me, and he proved so when he proposed! I later found out I was pregnant and he was ecstatic. However, the engagement nor the baby I was carrying made a huge impact at improving his behavior. He was nowhere to be found when I went into labor or had my son. Shortly after he was born a bomb was dropped on me. A good friend of mine found out some news about Damon. He didn’t have 2 kids like he told me, he had 6 kids and different baby mommas stashed all over the place. He only claimed two kids but took care of one! The son he did take care of happened to be his fiance`s child; YES you heard right, his fiance! Apparently he was engaged to someone else our entire three year relationship. Adding insult to injury, every-time I was around his mother’s house a young girl he claimed was his ex-girlfriends’s daughter would greet me and Damon by our first name...I later found out that young girl was HIS daughter. The job he claimed he quit, he was fired from for beating up another girlfriend he had while engaged to me and the other chic. He was seeing this third woman when we first met, and she caught HIM cheating on her, in HER bed! I was shocked by the revelation that he beat her up because he had never laid a hand on me...yet. Anyway the woman he put in the hospital had a father who was a cop. He pressed charges which got Damon fired from the job, he told ME he quit. Essentially everything Damon told me was a lie as if he was a sociopath. I also found out that he had numerous relationships besides the two women I found out about. Now I know what you’re thinking; This situation sounds like a fucking Lifetime movie and I need to RUN from this situation! However you feel, I did what I thought was best for me. After plenty of denial from Damon and even him “strangling me” due to his frustration that I knew the truth, he finally admitted to everything. He begged for my forgiveness and I thought about the son we just had. Now judge me however you want, but I took him back because I wasn’t ready to leave...Just yet.           

I already know judgements were flying while many of you read along. Maybe you were thinking they’re stupid for staying, weak, and have low self-esteem. However, if there is one thing that I’ve learned in my life experiences is to “never say never.” Life has a funny way of putting you in situations you never thought you would find yourself in. Therefore, opinions are fine and you can say “how you think” you would react, but you just never know what you’ll do when you’re “in love.” Love has a way of turning your “never’s” into “maybes.” Furthermore, having children with a person who has done you wrong also complicates your decision to leave. You now have ties to this person who’s done you wrong and the thought of breaking up your family makes your choices difficult. I also realize that every person determines when they’ve had enough of the negative energy that’s happening in their relationship. Many times people do NOT leave the minute they’re wronged by their partner, and the explanation is simple. At one moment they were actually good to you. We tend to hold on to the great memories of what we shared with our partners. We hold on to the memories of love, which in turn causes us to weigh the good and bad when we’re thinking; “Should I leave? Should I end this?” We ponder is our relationship solvable because we grasp onto the great memories that person once showered us with. With that being said, it’s easy to tell the next person to leave when you’re not the one who once loved and shared great moments with that person. I do think there is a moment when you should leave and certain situations are way past being saved. However, a person has to come to grips with that themselves. The choice to leave is never simple, but it can be done. 

Universal Relationship deal breakers        

• When there is continuous abuse of any sort; Physical or mental
• When a person has you constantly doubting yourself to a point where you begin to lose your confidence and your spirit (this goes with abuse). Once a person has you feeling so low that you can’t recognize yourself, it’s time for change.