The Good
It's a Saturday night...Your single. Leaving the club, bar, or lounge. You're most likely tipsy or drunk and you do the ONLY logical thing. You start drunk texting the one person who can solve that "itch" you're feeling. The ONE person that can relieve the stress from your work week and give you that "good good." After all the sex texting is said and done, you'll meet up and do what you came to do! Now the best part of this transaction is that you walk away with no strings attached. Therefore cuddling, sleeping over, or even having a conversation beyond "thanks, talk to you later" are responsibilities you don't have to deal with. Most likely the next time you see this person, it will be under the same circumstances and there's nothing wrong with that UNTIL...
The Bad
The relationship of being"Hump buddies" usually goes awry because of ONE specific reason:
"Catching Feelings"- This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships go bad or demise. Somewhere along the way while you thought you were just "having fun" and getting your needs met, the other person started falling in love with you! However, you were unaware of this until it blew up in your face...and when did this happen? Well the minute that person started giving you attitude because they didn't get a phone call the next day, complained "you only call me when you want some," OR wants to hangout DURING THE DAY! Yes all of sudden this person wants to be treated as your girlfriend or boyfriend which leaves you confused because, a monogamist relationship is NOT what you signed up for. And I hate to say this but 9 times out of 10 (some men but very few) ladies are the ones catching feelings, and the reason is simply nature. Women are emotional beings and sex IS an emotional act contrary to what most men think. Therefore as much as SOME women try to keep hump buddies a strictly platonic relationship, many times they fall short. Now I will say this; Not ALL women are like this. Of course there ARE some "Sex in The City Samantha's" out there who love nothing more than to have sex and bounce! However that situation tends to be rare. The question is what do you do once your partner falls for you and you're not feeling the same??? Well as the saying goes you "GET THE F*%! OUT OF DODGE!" No good can come from stringing a person along, because if you do THEN...
The UGLY
Now if you decided to play with fire because, the sex is so good that you can't give up your buddy who now has feelings for you, here are some problems you can expect; Phone stalk calling which is when someone constantly calls you to the point of blowing up your phone. So much so that you turn it off and now they leave you a million voicemails. If this person knows where you live/work you can now expect random pop-ups at your house and job. Expect attitude, rage, and tantrums after you have sex and try to leave OR asks them to leave. Expect them to go through your phone contacts and call the opposite sex, and randomly go through your belongings. Last but not least expect to see their face in spots you frequently hang-out!!! SO if you have the BALLS to handle all of this, just keep that buddy around who now loves you...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
Moral of the story is if you're single, having friends with benefits is perfectly fine as long as you practice safe sex (because unwanted pregnancy and diseases can definitely damper the mood) and ARE ON THE SAME PAGE about the "relationship."
Have never been able to master the FWB art. Although God knows I've tried. Something always goes wrong.
ReplyDeleteAnnah it's definitely an art to be able to form no attachments...I wonder what kept preventing you? You or them...?
ReplyDeleteKeep on BLOG AQUARIUS QUEEN! The truth is like a breaths of fresh air :)
ReplyDeleteI feel like having a friend with benefits sometime brings more drama and annoying conversations you just dont want to have with someone your just sexing. Either ur the annoying person or ur sex buddy is, someone is bound to catch feelings or be sprung off that good good lovin. I think once someone catch feelings then the best thing to do is end the relationship.
ReplyDeleteEri
@Anonoymous I always compare a hump buddy to a new car. It's excited and fun in the beginning, but eventually that new car smell wears off and its just "a car!" That car now irritates you because all you do is spend money to maintain it, so it's another headache lol! The secret to maintaining a hump buddy is to NEVER prolong the "relationship," get it in a few times and GET OUT! MOVE ON....next!
ReplyDeleteYes i also agree with annah it is definitely an art ;
ReplyDeleteI have a friend whom i've known for 4yrs. And though
we have not had intimacy in person, we have shared intimate
talks through the phone and via skype now i know this guy is not married nor has a girlfriend but somehow he doesn't want to get serious because of the distance but i can tell we have chemistry and i hold true genuine feelings for him, so i was wondering if you can give me your insight or advice on this situation.
@Anonymous men are different from women in that they like to get straight to the point when they want anything, and relationships are NO EXCEPTION. Therefore, if he wants a relationship with you, you would be in one with him right now, no excuses on his part. If you're good with what him and you share right now then keep doing it. However, if you're not please don't short yourself by compromising, because in the end he's getting what he wants which is you with no strings attached. Just know you can't give a guy ultimatums and expect true love as well...He has to want it, initiate it, and be ready for it in order for the relationship to work as well. Therefore, if he doesn't want that right now don't force it because you deserve someone you don't have to "strong arm" into being with you. When you decide your "friendship" isn't satisfying you'll have to make the decision of re-directing your relationship, meaning no more late night or intimate talks. I say that because If this guy doesn't end up being the one, then you have to let him go in order for Mr. Right to step in, and that would mean completely letting go of what you and your friend share. Hope I helped, be well and keep me updated.
ReplyDelete@ Nia T. Simmonds
ReplyDeleteHi, well let me start off by thanking you for your insightful response and i greatly appreciate it, and i do agree with you! It's very clear to me that, he's a grown man capable of making adult decisions and if he wanted to have a serious commited relationship with me he would have made it happen by now. It is very disconcerting to actually think that someone whom i truly grew to care alot for is causing me all of this distress. I am not the type of woman that lets these certain things bother me "I prefer to make things clear from the start". But we both have walked away from each other way to many times and it's like you said men are different, us women are emotional creatures we grow emotionally attached to the guy; when men can have the mentality of "just friends" honestly it is very difficult to let him go because i think it will further devastate me even more, Well i will have to have a serious conversation with him about all of this because i am feeling very uneasy about it "I also wanted to share with you that my problem with him has caused me to even accept loving him and hide my feelings with a fake smile" Is it possible for us to just be friends even though i care about him like this or am i just trying to hide the reality of the situation"
@Anonymous, two things you've said has struck a cord with me- 1. "It is very disconcerting to actually think that someone whom i truly grew to care alot for is causing me all of this distress." Once a friendship starts to cause you distress it really is time to let that person go. Reasons being, friendships are relationships where people are supposed to benefit from each-other in positive ways. Great friends allow you to feel uplifted and good about yourself, and those feeling are reciprocated. Once you start to feel any distress, that means one person isn't really the friend you think they are. Furthermore, they are no longer allowing you to feel great about who you are. Women are egotistical as well, and it feels good to be courted and to have someone chase you because "they want to be with you." So my question to you is, how great will you feel about yourself if this guy finally gives in and agrees to be with you? How secure will you feel knowing you're with this person because you really chased him? My mother always told me it's always good for a man to love you more than you love him, meaning you want to have the upper-hand in order to keep them in check period. Right now you and this guy are on different playing fields and he clearly has the upper-hand and that's never good. Second thing you said was " it is very difficult to let him go because i think it will further devastate me even more." What bothers me here is, once a guy knows he has you mentally to a point where you won't walk away, HE NEVER CHANGES, and why should he? He doesn't have to change because you're not going anywhere...I'm sure this guy is a good guy and it has nothing to do with his inability to commit right now. You honestly have to muster up the strength and courage to walk away from this guy completely, and that might mean changing your contact information so he cant reach you directly. IF he decides and recognizes that you are the one, HE WILL find you, BUT don't wait for that! Move on and let the man who will court you, find you. I was in a similar situation years ago, and I let go, gained strength, started dating guys who fed MY ego, and just let things happen. It felt good to get back to the person I normally am, which is a very confident person. Once you allow yourself to get wrapped up in a situation like yours, we tend to lose that confidence, and that's disheartening. I wish you well, and again K.M.P.
ReplyDeleteHey sorry it's been so long for a response but i needed to allow myself some time to reflect and gather all of my feelings about the whole situation and well i finally sat down and realized to myself this is never going to change and even though i still don't feel uncertain about everything somehow i have chosen to let him go i told him everything in a assertive grown-up way with no hard feelings i expressed what needed to be expressed without any heavy topics which in turn made me feel confident but i still feel so empty i am not sure about what i just did i mean it might seem odd but a part of me always wanted to tell hin but i could never do it for sure and i was like that until today i don't know if i'm
ReplyDeleteI dont know if im hurt but i dont know ig im happy im so confusedd i dont want to let go but im hurting because hes hurting me hes not commiting and so yeah i told him everything i told him in order for me to get over him we needed to avoid all contact and he aggreed he text me back saying he respects that and he wishes me the best in relationships, in my career, and that he has always been honest with me and he has but im just so mad i guess i hoped in my heart that he will try to stay in my life like he used to do i thought he was going to tell me he just had an epiphany and that hes changed but nothing nothing at all so now im here confused i feel like i gave up to soon am i right gor thinking like this or do you think im losing it lol i mean my heary is in pain because i never wanted to let go but this is not healthy im allowing the pain to stay instead of letting it go.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous 4/30-Hey I apologize for not getting right back to you (work, kids etc.); First off let me congratulate you for being courageous enough for not only letting him know how you feel but for not accepting anything less than what you're worth! Many times us women let our emotions lead us into a situation we're undeserving of, and we accept less. As you can see most men do not do the same, because in your case he was un-wiling to make any moves HE did not want. The feelings of emptiness, anger, and uncertainty as to if you made the right decision are all natural. Those same feeling are what you feel when you break up w/someone, which you did. Even though he wasn't your man, he WAS a friend...and a friend you had feelings for. Therefore it's ok to feel sadness or loss. However, I know you don't see it now BUT he did you a favor BY NOT changing his feelings about your relationship and here's why; I went through a similar situation, and realized at the end of the day even if he FINALLY "came around" I would feel like crap that I had to go to such extremes to get what I want. I spent so much time giving myself to someone who didn't as much as I did, that I had lost myself in the process...Therefore, how successful would my relationship had been by that point?...The playing field was unequal, and love should NOT be that way. In fact, I've learned women should have the upper-hand in the love department, meaning whoever you're with should KNOW your value and feel lost at the thought of losing you. Anyone who can't recognize that, and you get in a relationship with WILL NOT treat you accordingly, so again he did YOU a favor and you made the best choice. What I did to get over my situation at the time was I started dating some really nice guys, and not because they interested me BUT because after getting out of something which made me feel less than, I needed to be around people who reminded me of my value. I NEEDED TO BE COURTED AND CHASED and every women needs that. I wish you the best of luck, I hope you remain strong on your decision, and KMP! BTW IF he comes around, get back your upper-hand by making HIM work for it and doing things ON YOUR TERMS! Don't fall quickly!
ReplyDelete