PART III. HE SAID/SHE SAID- "Why WOMEN cheat?"

*This video says it ALL!

ALL MEN ARE DOGS/Women are saints?

Men always get a bad wrap for being “players” or cheating on their significant others...BUT guess what...WOMEN CHEAT ALSO! Of course its not all women, but it’s a lot more then we would ever admit. Many women either have cheated, thought about cheating, been on the brink of cheating, are currently cheating OR knows a girlfriend who has! Yes that’s right, I said it because it’s true. Women are just smarter creatures and usually don’t get caught; Therefore it “APPEARS” as if men are the only species double dipping! However, there are clear differences as to why men “monkey around,” and why women do it. I’m going to discuss the driving force behind OUR actions and give the men a break. So buckle up, and let’s enjoy this mental ride!

*Note: This article doesn’t apply to the serial cheaters and women with sexual issues such as having a sexual addiction, therefore you cheat to sooth that desire. Those issues are another topic! This is for the “average” everyday relationships. 

What drives us into the arms of another?

I can’t stress enough that women are emotional creatures. Truth is even us alpha females have an emotional side. You might not see it often, but it’s there. This emotional trait is especially apparent when we’re in love, and drives many of the decisions and choices we make in our relationships. Therefore if and when we “cheat” it’s usually not for the same physical reasons of why a man does it. In fact cheating doesn’t have to be a physical thing for us! YES, that’s right fellas, I said cheating DOESN’T have to be physical!! Having an affair can be mental stimulation for us with another guy, and you’ll see what I mean as I discuss further. Just let that aspect of mental cheating sink in. IF we decide to step out of bounds in our relationship, it’s because our emotions drives us to. There are four main reasons as to why a woman would cheat, and all of those reasons intertwine with each other, and are emotionally driven.  The four cheating factors are:

• Lack of attention
• Feeling taken for granted/ feeling unappreciated 
• Boredom...
• Stress caused by him/ THE PAYBACK

   

~Lack of Attention

Mental Cheating comes into play with this factor. We require A LOT from a man emotionally, and as taxing as it could be to a guy, we STILL need it. Many of us say “I don’t ask for much, and all I want is...(feel in the blanks)”; But actually we do need a lot when it comes from our partner whether we want to admit it or not. And if you think you’re a “piece of cake” just ask your significant other...he might tell the truth if he’s brave! Not only do we want a good faithful man that meets at least 80 percent of our criteria, but he has to cater to our emotional needs as well. Reality is we LOVE attention in all forms! We love compliments, affection, and like to feel just plain ol’ special! Just like Rhianna stated, “make me feel like the only girl in the world.” Yes ladies that’s what we like, but guess what it requires WORK on their part. In the beginning of our relationships, which I call the floating on air phase, our men have no problems completing the task us “attention whores” require. However, as time moves on and the fog clears, they tend to “fall off” when it comes to feeding our attention egos. Honestly sometimes who can blame them? Relationships are like a second job on both ends, and we should be able to claim each other on our taxes as dependents twice a year! We require a lot of attention, and I can understand how that can become exhausting. However, we feel “how you got us, is how you keep us.” Yes men, as selfish as that might sound, that’s the truth for you! Therefore, when your woman feels she’s not getting your undivided attention, she’ll “talk” to you about it, because she loves you and wants to YOU to fix the issue. In fact we’ll express ourselves a lot, which you’ll call “nagging.” Anyhow, we expect you to listen and fix the problem, but if you don’t...well you leave room for another man to swoop in like a vulture and do what you don’t! The vulture will give her enough compliments to last a lifetime, and make her feel totally desirable. He will give her that feeling that she felt when she first fell in love with you. At this point in the game, she is mentally cheating and flirting through the technological evils of text, email, and Facebook, or with that cute co-worker...She’s being mentally sexed by the next dude and flirting with the possibility of making it a physical relationship. Her decision of taking this mental affair to the next level depends on how quick YOU get it together and recognize that she ONLY wants this attention from you and no one else. Fellas the key to sustaining a longterm relationship is to every once in awhile remind her WHY she fell in love with you! Bring home her favorite flowers, cupcakes, cook for her, tell her she looks fine as hell today, and do whatever else you did in the beginning to make her feel special. If you don’t, in the words of a friend of mine “you leave the doors open for the devil to walk in!”    

~Feeling Taken for granted/Unappreciated 

This element of course intertwines with lack of attention. Whenever we feel like we’re not getting the attention us divas need, we blame it on the fact that “you take us for granted.” I’ve had many conversations with various friends on this topic, and at some point we’ve ALL felt this way. Many of us recall how appreciative our partners were when we cooked a great meal or did anything special for them. However, somewhere along the way we realized, hey where’s the “thank you babe” and sweet talk we used to get?! Instead we get zero appreciation and disagreements or arguments begin to surface. Whenever a woman feels as if she goes above and beyond to provide the needs and wants of her partner and get’s no recognition for it...It infuriates us!!! AGAIN we will  do the one thing you hate and that’s “talk” to you about it. If the behavior continues, well say hello to Mr. Devil!

~Boredom!

Lack of attention and feeling unappreciated invites cousin boredom right into your relationship. If you’re not paying her any attention then the excitement we STILL need is missing. Lack of attention equates to little communication and “affection” on our part. All of this is a recipe for disaster and leads to overall monotony in relationships. Boredom makes the mind wander, and again invites outsiders in.

~Stress caused by him/THE PAYBACK

Stress from your man can be due to many things including the three cheating elements I discussed. The situation goes from being a problem to being stressful when no change is happening. Our minds and imagination begin to run wild, and our #1 thought is “are you cheating?!” We start to assume you of cheating because we figure if you’re not paying us any mind, nor do you care to change knowing it hurts us, then WHO are you giving your attention to? Who is fulfilling your needs if we’re not? All of these questions that have now seeped into our brains have invited that devil in your relationship. Trust is now an issue on top of boredom, multiplied by lack of attention, divided by little to no communication, plus no affection. Now after we’re finished playing detective in order to find out WHY you’re “not that into us” anymore, let’s HOPE you’re not cheating. If you are, and IF she decides to stay and work things out...just know that many women can be vindictive. I don’t know what kind of lady you have, but if she believes in the “payback” then she will equal the score! If the other three elements didn’t drive her to cheat, the stress from you cheating WILL be the cherry on the sundae. There is absolutely nothing like a women scorned and fed up! If we feel emotionally raped, we will seek refuge elsewhere, and sometimes it’s in the arms of another...It’s a new day and women can be just as grimy as men; You better believe it.

Men if you fit the description of anything I discussed, and choose to remain the same...you’ve been warned. If you notice her not talking about the issue of her needs anymore as if she could careless that’s a red flag. If she always seems distracted,  and is never affectionate those are beyond red flags. By this point you won’t know that she’s meeting up for lunch or afterwork drinks with whomever...and doing whatever...           

Where are all the good single men&women? "THEY STILL MAKE YOU?!"

Dedicated to  the pessimist----->optimist


Part III of "HE SAID/SHE SAID; what drives people to cheat?" was supposed to be my next article. Although I will still blog that topic, I've decided to deviate from the plan. The driving force behind this decision is of course due to the inspiration of my lovely friends. I received a humorous a text from one of my male friends saying, "T please help me, these women are killing me SLOW." After I finished LMAOOO, we had a heart to heart "TEXT convo" (SMH@technology!) on what exactly the problem was. The conversation made me realize what I thought all along and that is; Good single men...(YES I SAID GOOD AND MAN IN THE SAME SENTENCE) do exist! They're not extinct and YES mother nature STILL makes them! Not only were my beliefs of that justified, but I discovered they have the same issues we have dating, which is finding a "normal" person. By normal, I mean someone who has their head on straight in all areas, has a great personality, and someone you can make a true connection with. All of these qualities are VERY difficult to find dating today, and many single people have become pessimistic when it comes to finding that "special someone." However, I also learned that people have to start thinking outside the box and kill what they THINK their ideal person is. They also have to pay attention to red flags, such as insecurity issues. During our conversation we spoke about these things and he still wasn't optimistic. He stated, "I just want to be with someone, and be comfortable...but it's whatever, grad school and work will keep me busy." The minute he said that I felt like Renee Zellwigger in Jerry Mcguire, because he had me at hello! My humanitarian side kicked in, and I wanted to help. I thought of the perfect person for him, and knew I had to call her! With that being said, I sold him like a man in a cheap business suit to a girlfriend of mine, whose also lost hope. Therefore, this mission wasn't easy, and I had my hands full. I'm gald to report that a true connection was made, thus inspiring this article. I honestly believe that sometimes God puts people in your life in order to bring someone else in. If bringing them together was his purpose for me, then so be it. I say, USE ME UP! Most importantly, I believe these two people made a connection because they chose to look outside the box at the thought of meeting blindly; Gravitating away from the norm is a quality many are afraid to do. They INSPIRED one another because they chose to be their authentic selves, which is also a quality lacking in many.

These two aren't in love yet of course, but have found hope again. They didn't think they could find someone who is smart, funny, attractive, family orientated, and ambitious; All of important things they were searching for. If you still don't feel inspired that it's possible to find "the one," please read the comment a "blogee" left on one of my articles:        


Written by "Alpha Man"
"A lot of women make the claim that they can't find a good man. They usually make this statement to their real cool male friend who they talk to at work. Or the guy who is real cool with them that they chat with on facebook from time to time. This guy doesn't own a business. He isn't a lawyer. He doesn't play for the Knicks. He isn't finishing his rotation in med school. Instead, this guy works for UPS. This guy fills the vending machines for office buildings. This guy works for some random company. This isn't the dude who stops traffic with his looks. He doesn't have a 6 pack. He isn't 6'3. But you know what... he is a good man. So I will never ascribe to the notion that there are no good men out there. That is a bunch of bull. There are plenty of good men that get passed over every single day. I can tell you dozens of stories of good men (a lot I know from my fraternity brothers) who have so much love to give but never are given the time of day because they don't fit the picture image that a lot of women have in their heads. I have a female friend at my church who is extremely attractive. She is a lawyer and very successful. She owns her own home, owns her own car, frequents the gym and loves to travel. She said she wanted a good man. She was approached by a brother at our church that EVERYONE passed over. He isn't fine. He looks okay I guess but he stutters a lot. So it is difficult talking to him at times because you want to be polite and wait for him to get it out. But this brother has a good heart. So he approached her and asked her out. She went. On their first date, they sat up by the waterfront where we live and talked until the sun came up. She called me to tell me about it and said that he isnt normally her type so she was so confused as to what to do. I told her to follow her heart. The next day, she had a delivery of flowers (not just any flower but her favorite flower) to her job. She had BRIEFLY mentioned to him what her favorite flower is and he paid attention. Remember, this is the not cute stutterer. He had a lot of love to give but nobody would allow him to because they kept looking for the "good" man. To make a long story short, I was happy to receive their wedding announcement in the mail. Not only that, he spent 20K on her diamond boulder ring. Oh, he also had a lot of money to give but nobody gave him the chance. I was happy to attend their house warming in their new crib. And I was even happier to visit them in the hospital a few months ago to see their new baby girl. There are so many stories like this that I can share because I see them all the time or hear them from my brothers or male friends. My point? I think a lot of women pass over good men and a lot of women PURSUE what they see as a good man and they waste a lot of time. How about not going to lounges or clubs looking for a real man. What can you expect to find in a club??? How about church? How about Proverbs - a good man FINDS a wife and obtains favor from the Lord. I do like the social gathering at a friend's home though because you are more in control of the element invited. A club will bring knucleheads dressed up like "good" men. Sorry I got longwinded."


The moral of the story is if you're single out there BECOME INSPIRED! Don't be afraid to venture away from that list you own, which has all the qualities of your ideal mate. Try new ways when it comes to meeting people. Base your ideals of a "quality person" by their morals and great personality. Be your authentic self, and kill the the superficiality ideals you have unless you want to attract "the fake." If you want love based on a deeper connection, you have to learn to look within first. Once you do that, everything else good will follow.  

December 27, 2010 1:20 PM 

PART II. of HE SAID/SHE SAID...I'M IN LOVE W/THE "OTHER PERSON..."

Now that we know the distinction of home-wrecker hierarchy, we can move on to the topic no faithful husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend ever wants to be faced with; What happens when your partner falls in love with the "other person?" This topic was at the center of the debate I had with a girlfriend of mine. Her take was that even though women are emotional creatures, there are many cases when MEN fall in love with their mistress. Please note that I stated "mistress" because men do NOT fall in love with jump-off's and side-pieces. However, if a jump-off or side-piece beat the odds, and managed to sleep her way to the "top" ranking of the mistress...then okay. This topic has so many dimensions and I'm going to try and cover each one.

Imagine you're the person being cheated on by your spouse. You find out by snooping, facebook, email, cell-phone, or any other technological relationship killer. You confront your partner with all the questions you have once you're done flipping out. Here are some of those questions YOU BETTER get the answers to.

When men cheat women want to know...DETAILS! We have questions within our top 5 questions; pay attention.

1. How long has this been going on?!- Men there are many few times that women are totally shocked when finding out about affairs. We are inquisitive, intuitive, and nosey by nature. Therefore before we confront men about the b#t*!, we've already utilized our inspector gadget skills to find out quite a bit of information. Furthermore fellas, if you have a very bold woman on your hands, you can guarantee she's already called or confronted the other woman. When we ask this question as well as many others, we probably already know the answer. We just want to see if you have the audacity to keep lying! Secondly, the time frame of your indiscretions matter because we begin to compile your lies. We start thinking about all the times you told us you were working late, at the gym, or running errands. We start to imagine all of those errands as being your alibi and the periods in which you were creeping! Lastly, the time period also gives us an idea of how important "that chic" means to you. We're trying to assess if there's an emotional connection, thus letting us know where we stand in the situation. The time period gives us an idea if the home wrecker has a emotional hold on you.     
2. Who is she (inside we're thinking does she look better than me?)?!- Once we know that the other woman isn't anyone we know (if your woman knows her, just bob and weave her slaps and hide YOUR breakables) We must know what the witch looks like! Due to technological advances we've probably figured that out also. If facebook, myspace, or pics to your phone didn't tell us, we probably found her number, ran a scam, and figured out her residence. Men are you scared??? Well you should be because we are resourceful and smart! Many men are sloppy when it comes to cheating, so "cracking the case" tends to be easy. However fellas, this is a lose lose situation because, if she doesn't look better than your woman you're going to feel her wrath. Expect a one-way screaming match of  her yelling "that's the whore you cheated on me with, muthaf#$%#!". However secretly we don't want her to look better, we actually want her as ugly as possible so we can feel we're better about about being cheated on. As twisted as this sounds it's the truth. Therefore if you're going to cheat, ugly is the way to go in our eyes. If she looks better than us, you'll have more of a price to pay, so be ready for that! Lastly we want to know her success level such as what kind of career she has. Now men if you haven't figured it out already, yes we are secretly wishing she's a loser!! Why? Well we want to know that "THIS BITCH has NOTHING on us!" All of those details give us ammunition for those classic wig out/flip out/scream at the top of our lungs moments.   
3. Where did you meet her?- We probably know this answer when we cracked the case like an episode of Law&Order. We're just trying to assess will you lie about it. However, if we don't know how you met her, there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER! Just know that whatever place or location you say, you won't be allowed there anymore IF she forgives you. In fact you won't be allowed much of anywhere, so I hope you like being home bound. If she's a co-worker, well damn I feel sorry for you! Either you'll be finding another job or she'll be popping up and calling your workplace often. 
4. DO YOU LOVE HER? (Is the sex better than ours?)  , which is knowing this information won't do anything but make us feel worse. So don't even say "she's just different" because we'll want to know how so?! Plead the fifth, and tell that "white lie." Remember you've already been caught cheating so need to make matters worse by telling her a useless detail.
5. Who do you want to be with?- Many women will proclaim that cheating is a deal breaker. However, when we're faced with this head on in LONG-TERM relationships we consider staying, we just don't tell you that! We want you to sweat, and feel like you're losing the best thing that's ever happened to you. But first and foremost we need to know WHERE IS YOUR HEART? We not only want to know you still love us, but to once again know "she's not important" to you. Once we know your heart lies with us, we now start to weigh the good qualities our relationship once had. We measure how good you were up until this point. Ladies when thinking about those qualities know that there's a difference between a man who's a serial cheater and a man who has an affair (I'll get into that topic another time). However, I will tell you this; If you are a man who's cheated once, that doesn't make you "dog" or a bad guy. In fact, there are some men who are faithful, have always treated their lady right, but yet found themselves in this situation. With that being said, many women weigh these qualities of their man and consider staying and working the relationship out. Deciding to give things another try doesn't make you weak in this situation. (*If your man is abusive or your relationship is dysfunctional then LEAVE). 

When women cheat&actually get caught men want to know...VERY LITTLE DETAILS! Their questions are straight forward and to the point.

1. Who is he, where is he from?- Now that you've stomped your man's ego to the ground, he's trying to pick up those pieces. One way in which he tries to do this is by finding out what kind of "dude were you sexing." He's concerned with knowing who he is, does he know him, and where he's from. Your man will take this information and assess if your "other guy" is punk, douchbag, or cornball based on what he does for a living and how much money he makes. Even if your man KNOWS he's leaving you, he wants to leave you in the hands of this "wack douchbag" to let you know; YOU lost a good man. If he decides to stay based on circumstances, just know that men are way less forgiving than we are, and spiteful becomes their first name.
2. How long have you've been sleeping with him?- Knowing this information gives him insight as to how long "he was being played." Unlike us, he doesn't want the details of knowing was the sex great or not. The thought of another man having sex with "his woman" already makes him want to kill you and the other guy. The realization that another man was "blowing your back out" is enough to make him catch a life sentence, so NO he doesn't want sexual details.
3. Do you love "the dude?"- If your man can get past the fact that you let another man touch you, then this question will come up. Cheating for us is a double standard and a lot men are not as forgiving as we are. Therefore, this question is less likely. However, if the question arises and the answer is "yes," they know they've basically lost us. Again the reason being is that by nature we're emotional beings, and once we love our hearts are now tied to that person.                                                       

 The "other women"- There are always three sides to a story; His side, hers, and the truth! Therefore, I had to write about the perspective of the mistress. There are two different types of mistresses; The ones who seek men in relationships and the ones who claim they "never knew he was involved."

1. The seekers are the women who claim they like the title of mistress, because they receive better treatment than the wife. They claim that financially and sexually their needs are being met and they're satisfied. Most profess they love dating men who are taken because they don't have to deal with the responsibilities of a household. My take is, being the mistress starts off "exciting" or "fun"but years of this behavior just exposes the issues she has. Trust issues and low self-worth are usually at the forefront once she decides to examine why she chooses to be secondary. Once she realizes she is worth a full commitment, being a mistress becomes un-fulfilling to her needs.
2. The women who claim they never knew they were mistresses CHOSE not to see the red flags. If family holidays such as Christmas come around and he never dedicates those days to you, he's probably in a relationship. If you've never spent any of those days with his family, only has his cell-phone number and he rarely answers when you call he's probably with someone else. If you've never spent weekends or weeknights at his place than your THE OTHER WOMAN! If he doesn't allow you access into the details of his life; The access wives and girlfriends get than you're the other women...period! Therefore, I don't accept the idea that they didn't know. I believe these women also suffer with low self-esteem and stay with men like that because they don't think they deserve more.

The "other man"- Unlike the mistresses, the men are very different. Ego's rule here and they love the fact that they're freaking another man's woman. Their egos are fed because of the fact that you keep coming back. They know they have a sexual control over you, which leaves them like a pig in mud! The other man enjoys the opportunity to get his needs met with NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Home-wrecking men are able to be unemotional and it's highly unlikely that they'll fall in love with you. They're usually strictly in it for the fun and the thrills! 


I hope I brought some enlightenment to this very complicated issue. In part I of he said/she said I ended with questions I hopefully answered. 
So lets re-cap: Moving up the home-wrecker hierarchy ladder is rare but possible. Every cheating situation is NOT the same and deciding to end a relationship depends on the circumstances surrounding the infidelity. Now "what drives a mate to cheat?" will be the final topic for Part III of He Said/She Said. Stay tuned...