cluelesstolove: YOU MAKE ME SICK!

cluelesstolove: YOU MAKE ME SICK!: "YOU MAKE ME SICK?! What do you do when you love your significant other and they just make you sick? Meaning, for some reason everything the..."

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

YOU MAKE ME SICK?!

What do you do when you love your significant other and they just make you sick? Meaning, for some reason everything they do, which used to be considered “cute” now annoys the shit out of you? Many of you will think the solution is to break-up however, you’ve realized breaking up or divorce isn’t want YOU want because you’re still in love with your partner. Therefore, the question again is why are they just so damn irritating lately?! Let’s explore...

Haven been in this situation as many have, I’ve realized that your mate’s ability to make you want to pummel them to the ground goes deeper then them leaving the toilet seat up. If you notice that your mate is complaining of the fact that EVERYTHING they do, lately seems to bother you, chances are what’s bothering you has little to do with the issue you ripped them a new a-hole for. I know you’ve heard this before, but it’s true, and that is “communication is the key!” Many times verbally and emotionally we hold on to what’s really troubling us in our relationships. We band-aid the issue, and let out our feelings during minute issues such as...

• I’M THE MAID/YOU’RE A SLOB

This scenario is the case of the couple who are opposites when it’s comes to cleanliness. In the beginning of the relationship when Ms. Clean-freak found out her man was a slob, she dealt with it. She had no problems catering to her honey, and cleaning up after him here and there...however, now she’s screaming at the top of her lungs Saturday morning while wiping off the sticky juice he let sit on the kitchen counter, and cursing to high hell while picking up his underwear. So to accommodate his screaming girlfriend he’s started to clean up around the house quite a bit, but to his surprise, Ms. Clean-freak STILL finds issues with Mr. Slob about HOW he cleans?! What’s that about?

• I’M A CHEF/YOU CAN’T COOK

In this case you knew when you met him he couldn’t do anything short of boil water, but you love to cook and had no problems catering to your man. You would whip up those 5 star dishes and just relish in the fact that your baby loved every morsel of your food...um well things have changed! The fact that he is SO useless in a kitchen irritates your soul. You start to complain that it would be nice to have a change for once, and have you be treated to a home cooked meal. The sound of him saying “did you cook?” makes you want to tell him “NO, did you cook m@!*?!.” Again I ask you, what’s that about? Why the sudden change?

• BOYS /GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Remember when you met, and you had zero issues about the fact that your honey had his night with his friends, as well as you with yours? Well, now when he says “I’m going out” your attitude scale weighs in at about TEN! He comes home after a night with the guys, and you damn near give him silent treatment, but why? You NEVER had this problem before?

• The Truth

The truth of the matter is that every aspect about the person you love and accepted about them from the beginning now irritates you to your core, but I’ve learned there are usually underlying larger issues to the minute ones we complain of. For instance, in the first scenario the girlfriend was picking up after her sloppy boyfriend and was really mad about it, which is natural overtime in a long-term relationship. However, even after the boyfriend started to help with the cleaning to alleviate the problem, she STILL found issues about his tidying method. The fact that there was still a problem after he tried, let’s you know that there’s really a larger issues going on. Those issues with us can range from being exhausted of playing the “mother role” or always having to be the grown up in the relationship, such as in always being the one to cook. The issues could range to feeling stagnate in a relationship, such as wanting to move, or get married and he’s not moving fast enough for you. If you have issues with the fact that he went out with the guys even after he spent the rest of the weekend dedicating his time to you, there are larger issues. Once again, it could range from the fact that 90% of the physical household responsibilities (kids, cleaning, cooking etc) fall on you, so him getting any free time irritates you. My point is, you should figure out the “REAL” reason behind your resentment and communicate them to your partner in a respectable way (leave all curse words out lol). If you choose not to express yourself, resentment builds and arguments become more frequent, which threatens the health of your relationship.

You're Taken? So What!

You're Taken? So What!

I was in the house on a lovely Sunday afternoon hanging out with “the boyfriend” when the home phone rang (not the cell)...My boyfriend picked up the phone and was greeted by a male’s voice asking to talk to me...no this male was not a family relative but an ex-boyfriend from six years prior. As he handed me the phone, thoughts of confusion and anger ran through my head because I KNEW this looked bad.

“Hello” I said in a disgusted tone while the BF stared at me.

 “Hey babygirl, how are you?!I Was that your man who answered?”

“Yes”....Cricket...Cricket....

“Oh ok , well give me a call when you can”....CLICK!

 Now like Lucy I knew I had some explaining to do! Not only was I furious that this person felt it was okay to STILL call me knowing we weren’t friends, but he had the audacity to ask for me when he heard a male’s voice answer the phone! Once I calmed down I thought to myself, why do people find you more attractive when you’re taken? And why do certain people in committed relationships enable those interferences?

I really believe that that ex-lovers as well as random people we meet daily can smell the perfume of relationship ALL over someone once they become unavailable. In turn, there is something about a “taken” individual that ups the anti of attraction others have for them. Lets explore the fundamentals behind this ego driven concept. Many women will pursue a man knowing they’re in a relationship, and many men do the same. Now I’ve heard married people say that they’ve had more people approaching them when they wear their rings than without. Therefore, to test this theory out I went to two social events. One event I wore what appeared to be an engagement ring, and the other night I went ringless. Sure enough more men were prevalent the night I had on the ring! I had a steady string of fellas who did the across the room eye contact, as well as the courageous one’s who approached. I was with a friend who is also really married, and had her ring on. We got our drinks paid for, as well as our meal taken care of while we sat and talked. One of the men had on a ring as well, and yet no one brought up the “ring factor or relationship factor.” Again I ask, what is it about a person in a relationship that makes them so much more appealing? Furthermore, why do some people in relationships allow those outsiders in?  

What is it About a Person in a Relationship That Makes Them So Much More Appealing?

The Challenge! The challenge of being able to conquer someone who’s heart belongs to another is an adrenaline rush like no other. The ego loves to be fed In both men and females, which is why cheating from both genders are statistically high. We not only view our partners as best-friends, BUT many times equate them to items which WE OWN or belong us. Where do you think the terms “MY husband, MY wife, and MY man/lady” originate from? Therefore, when a person or “prey” as I call them approaches you knowing you’re “taken,” they’re doing so partly because of this reason; They get a kick, sensation, high, or rush from getting the attention from a person who’s already bought and owned!     

You’re In a “Situation, ME TOO!” This scenario is the most significant reason in my book. The prey is attracted to someone who CAN’T commit because neither can they; How could they when they are also in a relationship. Therefore, the prey actually approaches a taken person because they feel you’ll are on equal playing ground. Meaning, IF we decide to connect, there’s an “understanding.” The first agreement in the arrangement is that both sides have something to lose, which are their significant others, families etc. Therefore, no one will jepordize their current partners or have “relationship” expectations; It’s strictly business. The second assumption is knowing that the “hook-up” is about one thing only...SEX! (like you didn’t already know). In their mind if you’re taken, your “relationship” together is less of a headache!  This brings me to the last “understanding” and that’s the fact that there are NO expectations of doing relationship things, such as calling them everyday or providing gifts on holidays. THE ONLY THING NEEDED IN THIS SITUATION AGAIN IS...yes that’s right SEX!   

NO STRINGS ATTACHED! Okay people, this is self-explanatory and doesn’t take much breaking down. Your prey is attracted to you because they have zero desire to be a committed relationship at this point in their life. Therefore, instead of dating another single person who will eventually want a commitment, they go after the type of person who meets their desires for a non-committal situation.  

The “Wife/Husband” Appeal! This is the scenario of “intrigue,” meaning your prey wants to find out; What is it about you that captured the heart of YOUR current partner? They want to know what qualities do you attain that made a person marry you? The problem I find here is that IF you decide to cheat with your prey; The rate of your prey falling in deep “like, lust or love” is higher.  This situation can lead to serious repercussions when your prey starts to have relationship expectations that you can’t give. They will possibly want you to leave your significant other for them or get vindictive and sabotage your relationship with your partner. Right now I have a married friend who is in this situation. I can say from what was shared with me that they are very stressed by their prey right now. They are still very much in love with their spouse, cheated out of shear boredom, but has ZERO plans of leaving their marriage. What they thought would be a one time thing has turned into the movie Fatal Attraction. My friend is now scared of the repercussions and wishes they never would’ve bitten the forbidden fruit. My advice  here was; IF there is a next time God forbid, make sure you pick a person who has the same interest as you...NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

In situations like this, I feel the ONLY person who’s responsible for having loyalty is the person who’s in a relationship. The fact that some people have zero issues pursuing someone else’s seconds is an immoral or “grimy” act. However, they are NOT in a relationship with your partner and owe them no moral judgement. WHO DOES owe them that respect is you, therefore it’s up to you to like the attention BUT walk away. IF you choose to fall for the bait, be prepared for the consequences IF you get caught.

The Ultimate Betrayal: His Side of The Story

“The Ultimate Betrayal” was inspired by a factual event and was written in the women’s perspective. I had the pleasure of knowing the man involved and I got to hear his perspective which was refreshing. He was able to answer the questions most women have when it comes to cheating:

• Was your girlfriend lacking anything which made you stray? 

He explained that his lady did absolutely nothing wrong and is perfect in his eyes. They’ve been together for 10 years, and besides normal relationship spats, they have a great relationship.

• Do you even feel regret for what you’ve done? 

He feels torn up inside and doesn’t want to hurt her. His lady is also pregnant in her 1st trimester right now and he doesn’t want to cause her stress...However, he knows he has to tell her SOON and give her the option to decide what direction she wants to go. He also knows telling her before she finds out is better.

• Why did you do it? 

He doesn’t know why he did it...That answer doesn’t satisfy me and I’m going to write it off to plain old boredom! He said his lady is perfect, so why cheat? I feel men just need variety and some men act on those desires while others maintain self-control.

• Who do you want to be with? 

He has zero intentions of being with the other girl, even though she’s been his side chic for some time. He said he feels ashamed BECAUSE he knows this will devastate his woman.  

• Did you ever think the grass was greener and thought about leaving your lady? 

Leaving her was never a thought...

The Ultimate Betrayal

     

     Cheating has been going on since man and woman were created, and it will continue to happen. Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Sean P-Diddy Combs, Eric Benet (Halle Berry can’t win), and even the young Chris Brown have this in common. I’m positive that you know of people who have cheated and who’ve been cheated on. Unfortunately this is a common issue in many relationships, and NO ONE is exempt from this possibly happening to them. However, the first two questions most women want to know when confronted with this issue is: Do you love her? Did you use protection? The revelation that you’re “in love” with another woman OR that you put our health at risk and didn’t “wrap it up” delivers devastating blows! We will want to grab YOUR valuables to break, throw at you, and hurt you because that’s how heart wrenching finding out that type of news can be. We think it can’t possibly get any worse until...We find out “she is pregnant” with your child?   

     Another woman having your baby is the ULTIMATE betrayal to us. We would rather you have a one night stand then to find out you’re having an “emotional affair” with another woman. We are possessive over who we love, and we need the affirmation of knowing we are THE ONLY woman to claim your heart. Therefore, if you have a long standing affair with another woman that means she now has a piece of what “we feel” belongs to us. Furthermore, creating a life with her is now a constant reminder of that connection. The baby is apart of you; A life that we didn’t create together, and this other woman will ALWAYS have a piece of you. All of these thoughts race through our head because we’re discovering that what we THOUGHT we had...Doesn’t FULLY belong to us. Even though finding out if you’re cheating IS an issue that’s hard to forgive, it is possible to work through that if we decide to stay. We figure working the relationship out is possible because this other person has no ties to you and can easily be erased from the picture. That idea however isn’t possible with a baby around. Another child forces that other woman to have a role in your life, which is something many of us can’t handle. Every-time we would “have” to see the other woman’s child, it would break our hearts again, because we’re reminded of your infidelity. Topple that with the fact that you put our health at risk and allowed another woman to connect that close with you.

  Is it possible to work a relationship out when a “love-child” is involved? I think yes because I know of couples who have. However, it’s a long road ahead back to happiness. The trust is completely gone, and a relationship with no trust isn’t a healthy one. If the man is willing to endure the arguments, her snide remarks, tracking his every move, jealousy, and excessively possessive ways in the beginning then they might make it to the other side. Question is do you think the relationship is worth saving? As a woman you have to ask yourself: Are you going to put in the work it takes to get back to a good place? I say this because it isn’t only him that has to put in the effort. You have decide is he worth your time, and what do you want for YOURSELF. With maturity I now believe that trusting someone isn’t believing that they’ll never break your heart, it’s the notion of knowing they’ll TRY their best not to do it. People are fallible and they do make mistakes; You just have to decide what’s your limit.    

   

*Note: I used the picture of Diddy and then pregnant girlfriend Kim Porter because she was carrying his daughters while his “side chic” was pregnant with his child. The kids are five months apart, and they shortly broke up after this revelation. He has cheated many times, but I guess the revelation of him creating a baby with another woman, was too much for her to bare.  

It's JUST A DAY!

      On Valentines day I stated on my facebook page, "make today as you should everyday, celebrating the ones you love and not just who you're in love with." I felt good about that statement because even though V-day is a just a bullshit "holiday" glorified to make us spend money, IT IS ABOUT LOVE. However, my facebook status was updated later after I saw so many annoying status updates either glorifying or bashing the idea of V-day. The last straw was a phone call I got from a good friend of mine, and she was at war with her boyfriend because he didn't make the day "special enough." At that point my FB posts was updated and now stated;"Why does this day make single people feel the need to stress how good they are alone? Makes lonely people want to cry? AND couples try to impress? it's just a day!!!" 
     I understand a women's need to want romance and the need to feel special...I get that because most of us are ruled by our emotions and we love the feeling of being swept off our feet. We also love attention and there's no better day then "love day" where we'll feel both of those things at one time. However, ladies our emotions should NOT rule our brains to a point where we allow a BS holiday to cause tension in our relationships! I will tell you what I told my friend; "How does he treat you on a daily basis? That is what counts, not the day!" Her response made her check herself because guess what?...HE'S A GREAT MAN who treats her well through and through! With that being said, I had single friends who labeled V-day as Single Awareness Day (SAD) and I found it extremely ironic that the initials spelled out SAD. The fact that single women have to create a day like that to prove they're "happy" about being single is sad!!! Ladies again I say IT'S JUST A DAY. Regardless of your relationship status you should be comfortable enough in your own skin to feel good about YOU and who you are. A DAY DOES NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. Therefore, if you're in a relationship; What he buys you on valentine's day doesn't define who he is to you. If you're single, creating a day to celebrate that doesn't equate to who you are, it just means your love hasn't found you. When the timing is right, love will come, and I HOPE you enjoy the love holiday. However, don't let it skew your vision of the great person you have in front of you, if the day doesn't turn out to be "perfect."

*Words of advice- Don't stress the day, feel blessed and appreciate all the loved ones you have in your life 365 days of the year.  

Destructive Relationships: When 2 Leave?

You should leave that *?@#! (Staying “politically correct”)

Three subjects you should never discuss with random people such as co-workers are religion, politics, and money. Well, you can add “leaving your significant other” to the TOP 3 un-discussable’s because this subject can cause all types of strife! Every women or man has had that friend you’ve felt sorry for or have called stupid because they chose to stay in a relationship YOU deem negative. We as the friend have struggled with telling that person how we really feel because we know it could lead to the demise of our friendship. We KNOW that telling someone else to leave who they love can have backfiring consequences, so we USUALLY stay “mum” about it unless we feel; 1. It’s a state of emergency OR 2. We have a huge set of balls! Yes, true friends should be able to tell you the truth and vice versa, but this subject turns us into a bunch of liars. We will be that listening ear to our troubled friend, shoulder to cry on, and even give basic advice about their relationship...BUT you will RARELY hear us telling them leave their partner! Even talking about this subject randomly in a group when it isn’t pertaining to anyone causes drama. One should never broach these four subjects unless you’re ready for a debate. This topic ALWAYS has differences of opinion and causes arguments because; As the saying goes,“what’s good for the goose, isn’t necessarily good for the gander.” Therefore, what you deem unacceptable in a relationship might be perfectly fine for the next...question is what are the UNIVERSAL relationship deal breakers? 

I’ve decided to get personal with this article by incorporating two different relationships I know of. Depending on who you are, you’ll feel this person’s scenario is either capable of staying OR leaving their relationship, you decide. However, 1 of the 2 will be the “universal relationship deal breaker” and you tell me why that is. (*Due to confidentiality names have been changed; My team is my inspiration)

• Faith

  Since I was sixteen years old, being in love has been my drug. I’m in my “low 30’s” and have only been in three relationships in a span of seventeen years...Yes I said only 3! Hey what can I say, dating multiple guys, partying, and playing the scene have never been my thing. I guess that aspect of my life makes me a serial relationship whore, because I am addicted to it. Either way my story is about one of my most profound relationships which lasted 13 long and tumultuous years...Hopefully you don’t judge too harshly, but either way I always say, if you don’t pay my bills, what you think doesn’t matter!

I was only 17 when I met Mike and was still in a relationship with boyfriend #2. Therefore, I thought he was only going to be “something fun to do.” I really loved BF# 2 but he had broken my heart a year prior when he bounced on me after I became pregnant. He eventually came back around and I forgave him, but things were never fully the same. Therefore, I had zero remorse creeping behind his back with pretty boy Mike as I like to call him. Anyway, Mike was also 17 and already had a son with his girlfriend a.k.a. his “baby momma!” Therefore, I just knew I wasn’t going to fall for this dude because we both had “a situation” and his was a headache I wasn’t willing to flex on. Unfortunately, us females and our emotions RULE OUR HEART because I was unable to separate lust and love...I don’t know if it was his confidence, humor, or how well he “laid down the pipe” but like Alicia Keys I had fallen. BF# 2 was a has-been by this point and all I wanted, was to be with Mike! His feelings became mutual, and we became a couple after he cut off Ms. Baby-momma...or so I thought. Two years into our relationship I found out she was carrying his second child and I was totally devastated. I went from a size 8 to a size 2 from the stress because I refuse to let him go. That BITCH also refused to let him go even though he made it clear he wanted to be with me. Therefore, you know what that means...THE DRAMA began! Let’s just say me and her were clear about our feelings for each other and she made it clear I was to never have contact with her children. This idea was funny to me because the chic wasn’t a real mother and never took care of her first kid. Furthermore, I didn’t want to be around the new baby anyway because it was a constant reminder of what they created together. The Menage`a trois bickering and fighting between all of us proved to be too much at times...but I still refused to let go. The trust issues I had with him were just the cherry on the sundae and caused even more tension; But still I held on. Through all the trials and tribulations I forgave him. I knew he really loved me and despite the infidelity he treated me well. In “OUR” relationship he treated me with respect when he spoke, was always there for me when I needed him, romantic, and spoiled me with attention and the material things I’m accustomed to having. Not to mention the loving was on point! If it wasn’t for what he did with that heifer he would be damn near perfect. So I weighed the type of man he was when he was with me, listened to the apologies he showered me with, and accepted the promises he made. He told me it was over with her and I’m who he wanted. He told me SHE was the mistake, and that this would never happen again...True or not, that’s when I learned not only how blind love can be, but how powerful love is...I chose to stay with him.      

• Robyn

I’ve always been about “my business” and never really had much time for dating. Succeeding in school and finding a career with a great retirement plan was my focus. The few times I have dated and I mean few, (I can count on one hand) those dudes fizzled by the waste side. Me not dating a lot also has something to do with the fact that I seem to have a stamp written on my forehead which reads “I ACCPET ALL JERKS!” I’ve never had the pleasure of dating someone who’s all mine. I’ve never dated someone who’s made me a priority or who has treated me exceptionally well. My parents are still happily married so NO I don’t have “daddy issues,” I just seem to attract losers. I realize what my parents have is the kind of girl I am, but I’ve never in my 30 + years experienced or came close to having what they have...until I met Damon.

From the moment I met Damon he spoiled me. He was almost 20 years my senior (but literally looked 30) and treated me as a grown-ass man should I believed. We went out a lot and became inseparable from the start. He had some baggage; two children and two baby-mommas, but he made it be known that I was the woman he wanted to be with. Therefore, I looked past all of that and accepted him into my life. Furthermore, I was always around his son and his family so I felt secure enough to know that his past was just that...A chapter he closed. I spent countless hours at his mom’s house and Everything was gravy for the first three months...and then his mask slowly came off. He had a good job that he quit, began drinking heavily, pulling disappearing acts, and ALWAYS had a strange story a.k.a. lies to tell for his alibi. Through all the strange behavior and even after he totaled my car due to his drinking; I stayed because I thought he loved me, and he proved so when he proposed! I later found out I was pregnant and he was ecstatic. However, the engagement nor the baby I was carrying made a huge impact at improving his behavior. He was nowhere to be found when I went into labor or had my son. Shortly after he was born a bomb was dropped on me. A good friend of mine found out some news about Damon. He didn’t have 2 kids like he told me, he had 6 kids and different baby mommas stashed all over the place. He only claimed two kids but took care of one! The son he did take care of happened to be his fiance`s child; YES you heard right, his fiance! Apparently he was engaged to someone else our entire three year relationship. Adding insult to injury, every-time I was around his mother’s house a young girl he claimed was his ex-girlfriends’s daughter would greet me and Damon by our first name...I later found out that young girl was HIS daughter. The job he claimed he quit, he was fired from for beating up another girlfriend he had while engaged to me and the other chic. He was seeing this third woman when we first met, and she caught HIM cheating on her, in HER bed! I was shocked by the revelation that he beat her up because he had never laid a hand on me...yet. Anyway the woman he put in the hospital had a father who was a cop. He pressed charges which got Damon fired from the job, he told ME he quit. Essentially everything Damon told me was a lie as if he was a sociopath. I also found out that he had numerous relationships besides the two women I found out about. Now I know what you’re thinking; This situation sounds like a fucking Lifetime movie and I need to RUN from this situation! However you feel, I did what I thought was best for me. After plenty of denial from Damon and even him “strangling me” due to his frustration that I knew the truth, he finally admitted to everything. He begged for my forgiveness and I thought about the son we just had. Now judge me however you want, but I took him back because I wasn’t ready to leave...Just yet.           

I already know judgements were flying while many of you read along. Maybe you were thinking they’re stupid for staying, weak, and have low self-esteem. However, if there is one thing that I’ve learned in my life experiences is to “never say never.” Life has a funny way of putting you in situations you never thought you would find yourself in. Therefore, opinions are fine and you can say “how you think” you would react, but you just never know what you’ll do when you’re “in love.” Love has a way of turning your “never’s” into “maybes.” Furthermore, having children with a person who has done you wrong also complicates your decision to leave. You now have ties to this person who’s done you wrong and the thought of breaking up your family makes your choices difficult. I also realize that every person determines when they’ve had enough of the negative energy that’s happening in their relationship. Many times people do NOT leave the minute they’re wronged by their partner, and the explanation is simple. At one moment they were actually good to you. We tend to hold on to the great memories of what we shared with our partners. We hold on to the memories of love, which in turn causes us to weigh the good and bad when we’re thinking; “Should I leave? Should I end this?” We ponder is our relationship solvable because we grasp onto the great memories that person once showered us with. With that being said, it’s easy to tell the next person to leave when you’re not the one who once loved and shared great moments with that person. I do think there is a moment when you should leave and certain situations are way past being saved. However, a person has to come to grips with that themselves. The choice to leave is never simple, but it can be done. 

Universal Relationship deal breakers        

• When there is continuous abuse of any sort; Physical or mental
• When a person has you constantly doubting yourself to a point where you begin to lose your confidence and your spirit (this goes with abuse). Once a person has you feeling so low that you can’t recognize yourself, it’s time for change.