The topic of cheating on your spouse has sparked so much conversation lately. So much so that I'm going create a three-part blog post in order to address every issue around this complicated situation. Now I know what you're thinking and that is; What complications? Cheating is cheating! However, that is not the case because every scandalous "affair" is actually very different depending on the title of the "other person." I recently got into a great debate with a close friend who argued that many men DO fall in love with "the other woman." My argument was yes falling for "her" can happen but it's rare! We went back and forth for awhile until we realized we were arguing about different scenarios. I was debating the "jump-off "or "side-piece" and she was referring to the MISTRESS. This revelation led me to the fact that MANY people aren't aware that each of these titles aren't equatable. Each position ranks differently in a cheating situation. Jump-offs, side-pieces, and mistresses hold a hierarchy position with the person whose stepping outside of their relationship. One of these titles can possibly get "royalty treatment" while the other position receives "peasant treatment." So, before I launch the topic of why people cheat and do they ever leave who they're with for the other person; Let's discuss "Home-wrecker Hierarchy."
"the jump-off": There really isn't much to say about this character because they mean NOTHING and are quickly forgotten once the "act" is over. Fact is in many cases you don't even know this person's last name (depending on how drunk you won't know their 1st name) or do you care to know anything about them! This my friend is the peasant, the bottom of the barrel, and the crabs of the sea. Where do you meet these crabs? Well usually in any late night hangout spot like bars and clubs. This is the person you started flirting with, touching, kissing, and talking sex with...ALL of the inappropriate things you don't do when you're in a relationship! Now somewhere along the lines of flirting you've decided that you want to bang this person and your list of reasons are diverse, but that's a whole other topic...Anyway once you've decided that fact you KNOW you can't bring them back to your place because you're in a relationship and this person can't know where you leave. You have zero interest to really go to their place, because that's still too close for comfort and you're NOT spending the night. ALL YOU WANT to do is bang, explode, and JUMP OFF..NOTHING more, NOTHING less. Therefore, having sex with jump-offs tend to be in random places like the bathroom or your car. This person only has potential to be the "one nighter" a.k.a. the jump-off!
"The side-piece": We've now stepped up a notch ladies and gentleman; The side-piece is the person who caught you off guard! This is the person you either thought was going to be the jump-off but parlayed their way into seeing you more than once...kinda of like Glenn Close in fatal attraction minus her going nuts. This can also be the person you've known for awhile and have always wanted to "boing" but the timing was never right. Now let's be clear; Yes we've risen a notch in class level but this person still doesn't get the royalty treatment. They will not receive great gifts, flowers, or be financially taken care of. They will not get phone-calls from the cheater while they're at work (only call from work if your smart) or get much attention beyond a text once a week; which lets them know what day they can "hook-up." However, the side-piece is more than your average jump-off because they get more than "1 night." Recognize that if you're a side-piece you WILL get more than one night, but the situation WON'T last that long. It's still strictly "business" and the person doing the cheating gets bored after awhile if you have nothing to offer but sex. Many times this is why someone in a relationship chooses to have a side-piece; they tend to have multiple side-pieces, the way most people like multiple sides on their dinner plate. If sex is the only gratification the person wants, then trust and know that most times variety is key! * Note- Cheaters who indulge in side-piece relationships tend to be serial cheaters, but again that's another topic, another article.
"THE MISTRESS": We're moving on up like George and Weezy Jefferson baby! This is the woman or MAN that makes your spouse scared to the pit of their stomach. This person in many cases gets better treatment than the spouse. The mistress is getting the person the "spouse fell in love with". The mistress many times receives thoughtful gifts, phone calls, and attention the spouse "USED TO GET". The Queen-B doesn't have to worry about the stressful responsibilities of a house-hold or their lover being argumentative, ungrateful, or nagging. This relationship is a fairytale to an "authentic monogamous relationship" and that's why the cheater keeps the mistress around! The mistress is a break from the real life stress that comes with long-term relationships. The mistress gets the name "home-wrecker" because they have the ability to destroy a relationship by getting their lover to emotionally connect. They have the ability to keep the man coming back for YEARS in some cases. The MISTRESS has the ability to do what every spouse fears...and that is to make their lover actually care about them. In worse case scenario they can even get their lover to fall in love with them. Mistresses hold a certain level of power...
Now that we're done with the breakdown of these titles many questions can still arise such as:
Can a person move up or down in title?
Does a person ever leave their spouse for these people?
What drives a person to cheat?
Is cheating ever the spouses fault?
Should cheating be a deal breaker in relationships?
Is every cheating situation different?
*All of these questions will be addressed in part.11 and part.III. I will say this though- "Show me the beginning and I'll show you the end." Meaning normally the way a relationship starts is how it ends. Therefore, if it started off scandalous don't expect the fairytale ending.
The Good It's a Saturday night...Your single. Leaving the club, bar, or lounge. You're most likely tipsy or drunk and you do the ONLY logical thing. You start drunk texting the one person who can solve that "itch" you're feeling. The ONE person that can relieve the stress from your work week and give you that "good good." After all the sex texting is said and done, you'll meet up and do what you came to do! Now the best part of this transaction is that you walk away with no strings attached. Therefore cuddling, sleeping over, or even having a conversation beyond "thanks, talk to you later" are responsibilities you don't have to deal with. Most likely the next time you see this person, it will be under the same circumstances and there's nothing wrong with that UNTIL...
The Bad The relationship of being"Hump buddies" usually goes awry because of ONE specific reason: "Catching Feelings"- This is the reason why friends with benefits relationships go bad or demise. Somewhere along the way while you thought you were just "having fun" and getting your needs met, the other person started falling in love with you! However, you were unaware of this until it blew up in your face...and when did this happen? Well the minute that person started giving you attitude because they didn't get a phone call the next day, complained "you only call me when you want some," OR wants to hangout DURING THE DAY! Yes all of sudden this person wants to be treated as your girlfriend or boyfriend which leaves you confused because, a monogamist relationship is NOT what you signed up for. And I hate to say this but 9 times out of 10 (some men but very few) ladies are the ones catching feelings, and the reason is simply nature. Women are emotional beings and sex IS an emotional act contrary to what most men think. Therefore as much as SOME women try to keep hump buddies a strictly platonic relationship, many times they fall short. Now I will say this; Not ALL women are like this. Of course there ARE some "Sex in The City Samantha's" out there who love nothing more than to have sex and bounce! However that situation tends to be rare. The question is what do you do once your partner falls for you and you're not feeling the same??? Well as the saying goes you "GET THE F*%! OUT OF DODGE!" No good can come from stringing a person along, because if you do THEN...
The UGLY Now if you decided to play with fire because, the sex is so good that you can't give up your buddy who now has feelings for you, here are some problems you can expect; Phone stalk calling which is when someone constantly calls you to the point of blowing up your phone. So much so that you turn it off and now they leave you a million voicemails. If this person knows where you live/work you can now expect random pop-ups at your house and job. Expect attitude, rage, and tantrums after you have sex and try to leave OR asks them to leave. Expect them to go through your phone contacts and call the opposite sex, and randomly go through your belongings. Last but not least expect to see their face in spots you frequently hang-out!!! SO if you have the BALLS to handle all of this, just keep that buddy around who now loves you...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
Moral of the story is if you're single, having friends with benefits is perfectly fine as long as you practice safe sex (because unwanted pregnancy and diseases can definitely damper the mood) and ARE ON THE SAME PAGE about the "relationship."
Due to the inspiration of my lovely friends and the conversations we have I wanted to add "internet dating tips". If you're single I'm sure you know that finding "THE ONE" is a HUSTLE! With that being said that means you have to exhaust every dating facet available to find that special someone, even internet dating...Now If you don't like internet dating I understand that. However if you lost your job and couldn't find a steady one to save your life, what would you do??? You would find diverse means to make money, such as having 2 to 3 small end jobs! Well the same goes for dating in today's society. You MUST utilize more than one method when it comes to dating, and the internet is the "main hustle." So if you're thinking of giving online dating a try OR is currently trying, but haven't been successful; Here are some tips:
Pick a reputable online dating site! The saying "you get what you pay for" is true so leave the free sites alone. Your chances of finding a quality individual looking for a serious relationship are higher on "paid websites." People who are serious will spend the money it takes vs. Joe Smo whose only looking for a hook-up and joins the free sites.
Establish rules: If a connection isn't made via email etc. than don't go on a date hoping the person will magically change and be different! Only go on dates with connections made over the net. Always meet a person at the designated dating spot just incase the date is disappointing. This allows you to leave at anytime to avoid putting up with a smuck ALL NIGHT!
Allow low-scale dates for the FIRST date: Again we're in a recession and the days of big spending on multiple dates are over and men are cautious. Therefore, once you connect over the net, agree to meet for coffee, lunch, or after-work drinks to gauge whether there's a face to face connection. I guarantee you if there is, no real man will have a problem investing in future upscale dates. And fellas if you find the "one" and invest wisely the payback is always worth it!
*Websites to try that have been successful: #1 is Match.com- Even if you don't find your partner here you can still get some good dates, meaning less nut-jobs seem to join this site. #2 is Chemistry.com- similar to match, I would suggest browsing profiles for free of each and join the site that has the most potential matches for you. #3 are sites with "interest themes"- Singleparent.com or sites like Christian.com are great for finding people who have those similar interest.
Does your significant other feel more like your "BFF" than your partner because the sex has dwindled?
Reminiscing about what that "new love feeling" felt like?
Remembering the days when all you did was daydream about them, and couldn't wait to rip their clothes off?
Thinking about those work weeks that had you "feenin like jodeci" for Friday to come so you could see them, kiss, hug, and *** them?
I'm talking about that feeling when you just couldn't get enough!!!! OKAY...so where did that feeling go and why have you gone from sexing like rabbits to sexing once to twice a month??? There are a couple of explanations as to why you have cob-webs growing in your private area and here they are:
1. KIDS ARE THE OFFICIAL "COCK" BLOCKERS! Chances are if you're raising children together the sex has taken a nose dive. Raising children are exhausting and leaves you little energy at the end of the day. Some men view the mothers of their child differently after giving birth, such as looking at them more as a respectful Catholic school nun instead of " stripper Tammy". However I say don't let kids sway your outlook. Men you fell in love with slutty Tammy in the bedroom and that shouldn't change just because she had a baby, we still like to feel desirable and vice-versa for the women. Ladies don't turn into Timid Tammy just because you're a mommy, be a MILF and get it "poppin" with your man! As for being too tired for sex...try morning sex after a good nights rest and the kiddies are still sleeping. Also while the kids are occupied playing, you can usually slip away for 10minutes without them noticing and slip in a GREAT quickie.
2. VENUS vs. MARS: Men and Women are different in every way and that includes S.E.X. Once we find that dude we see ourselves marrying because he takes care of all our needs; Specifically in the "bedroom", WE. ARE. GOOD! If the sex is great, he is all we want and need andBOREDOM doesn't enter our mind in the sex department, because he's "puttin it on us". BUT men, men, MEN are completely different! Our kitty-kats and love-making skills can still be just as fabulous as it was in the beginning plus we still look good and they'll grow bored of us. Why you ask? Men grow bored of the same pu$$y regardless of how great it is. I'll never forget what an "Old G" told me and that is "show me a beautiful face, and I'll show you a guy whose tired of fucking her!" So since we can't build ourselves a new vagina, I say we have to be CREATIVE! Get the heels on, role-play, learn some new moves, take a stripper course and make him miss you! Go away on that annual vacation with your girls, comeback renewed and ready to put it on HIM!
Ladies and Gents this period of monotony is normal in long-term relationships and will pass if you invest and re-invent yourself by trying new things in your relationship. If you have a good person for a partner who clearly shows you they still love you although the sex is lacking, you'll be fine.
Oh boy! I remember when going out and meeting someone with POTENTIAL (i.e. attractive, has a job, respectful, at least willing to pay for the date) was an easy task. Pick any lounge, mall, club, or even gas station in NYC and you could find "a date for Friday night." However the economy isn't the only thing that suffered in the recession! I have a bunch of single (good-looking I might add) friends who complain they can't find a date. All I hear is "where are all the good dudes at? They MUST be in jail or dead because I go out and see nothing but lames!" My available male friends complain also..."I keep meeting the chic who has CRAZY issues or who doesn't have anything going for herself!" I will say and admit this: YES GOING OUT and finding a date "worth your time" is harder to find, and here are the TOP 3 reasons why:
1. THE INTERNET! Online social and dating networks have made people become more reclusive. Many men don't have to approach women in social settings anymore at the fear of putting up with the rejection line "I gotta man". And why should they when they can go home, log onto any dating/networking website and find a slew of woman winking, flirting, and emailing them. Technology is great but it has caused a generation of "socially challenged" people. Picking up the phone to "talk" is outdated just as meeting a new person face to face is also.
2. NO JOBS=NO $ FOR DATES! Contrary to popular beliefs, we're still in a recession. 1/2 of this country is currently unemployed and a large part of the working class don't make enough money to splurge. Therefore, ladies those days of having multiple dates in 1 week at the expense of a man are O.V. E. R. Most regular dudes can't afford to take four chics out a month furthermore multiple women in 1 week! When talking with my guy friends, they told me point blank they're only willing to spend $$$ on a date if she's "wifey material". Meaning, the woman has to have qualities they're looking for in a long-term relationship, and they've already made a connection with her. Very few are even willing to spend "doe" just because they know a woman is a "GTF" (girl to f*ck); They stated "we can find a girl willing to do that for free surfing the net." #WOW!
3. THE I'M A STAR EPIDEMIC! If you've been to a club, lounge, or any large social gathering lately chances are the scene left you irritated with you saying to yourself "how did I meet NO ONE when there were so many people there?!" I'll tell you why, many people who attend these events have mistaken themselves for celebrities; Meaning they don't venture outside of their entourages to introduce themselves, socialize, or get to know people. It's almost has if they expect you to know who they are already. Many times they instead talk, dance, eat, drink, and "pop bottles" ONLY within their circles. If you're in a club or lounge setting, chances are many people inside are wearing "star studded shades" so making eye contact and flirting across the room is OUT THE QUESTION.
Should I deliver the good or bad news 1st?...The bad news is meeting a quality person to date via' going out is VERY difficult nowadays. This concept isn't going to change as long as the internet social networking sites that intrigue us all still exists. The internet has taken social networking and dating to another level and that prospect isn't going to change. However, the good news is it's STILL possible to meet someone without the use of the internet. One of the best ways are through mutual friends, which is how I met my partner. Many people have friends of the opposite sex that are great people but were never a "match" for them personally. "Hooking" up or introducing that friend to your other friend by throwing a house party, spades party, dinner, or gathering is a great strategy. Having a house gathering also promotes socialization because the setting is intimate. It allows friends, and friends of friends to come to your house and meet each-other in a non-pretentious comfortable environment. Also a significant amount of people found their partners where they spend most of their time, and that's at work. If you are comfortable dating someone at your job, it can be a great place to meet someone. However, proceed with caution and establish "dating co-worker rules" for yourself when venturing there because it's your J.O.B. and a bad date with a co-worker can make the workplace awkward.
